I wish I could say that I've emerged from all this with a new sense of self.

I want to show that I've shed my burden like an old skin. I've been keeping my head above water, I'll say. 

I'd like to tell everyone that I was burned and burned until I was nothing but ash, and rose from the detritus as a phoenix, but I've had no epiphanies worth noting. I never did shed my winter skin, and I'm still drowning.

I'm still a pile of ash.

how come he's the one to let me down 

how come they glow different in the evening?

how come they stare distant into daylight?

like its all alright 

"I love you. I love you but I'm turning to my verses and my heart is closing like a fist" 

we flew too high looking for love 

we knew the skies but not well enough 

I will not break myself trying to fix you. not again. 

please, for once, let the less loving one be me 

love breaks my bones and I laugh 

LOOOOOOOOL wtf spent the first 22 days of the year being an emotional loser

turning 20

note to self --

so now you're about to turn twenty and the world hasn't gotten any bigger for you. you're untouched, unloved, unprepared. your parents still pay for you. your friends all have internships, one has even started a business. you've got all this talent that you don't know how to share. you're about to turn twenty but you feel like you're fifteen. you sleep for fourteen hours and still need a nap. the world is shrinking one empty heartache at a time. you're scared you'll never find anyone to love you, not even well. you'll settle for anything. don't. 

you're about to turn twenty and they never remind you how young that is. falling in love does not make you grow up, heartbreak does, and there is more than one way to fall apart. you're about to turn twenty and it's okay if you aren't ready. it's okay. 

self destructive but never destroyed 

"Silly me. I thought love was real and the body imaginary." 

- Ocean Vuong

survival definitely wasn't made for people like me 

"Being an artist means forever healing your own wounds and at the same time endlessly exposing them." - Annette Messager

"When I give, I give myself." 

- Walt Whitman